ROGER SIMON COLUMN
AUGUST 17, 2005
SIMON SAYS:
If you remember when suits came with two pairs of trousers, you're a lot older than me.
You need to own a Wonder Bar. No, not the kind you eat, the kind you pry things and whack things with.
Do people with personal shredders really think anybody cares about their garbage?
I'll bet you don't know how high your speedometer goes. Mine goes to 160 mph. Why do auto-makers do that? Whom do they think they are kidding? My car couldn't get to 160 mph with a 100 mph tailwind.
How come only high school teachers and drug dealers understand the metric system? (A gram, by the way, is about the weight of a paperclip. Or so I am told.)
I was wondering why computers printers had gotten so cheap -- some are now, essentially, free -- when a friend told me: "They are giving you the printer in order to hook you on the cartridges." It seems to me King Gillette did the same thing with safety razors and blades about a hundred years ago.
This is part of a national movement: In your cell phone, create an entry named "Ice", which stands for In Case of Emergency. Then enter the number of the person you would want called in emergencies. Law enforcement agents or emergency medical personnel can then check your cell phone if you are in an accident and can't communicate.
Remind me again: At the beach, what was the enjoyment of being buried in the sand?
Judging by its trailer, "The Constant Gardener" looks like it might really be good. The book by John LeCarre was excellent.
Whatever happened to all those Rubik's Cubes? Are they in landfills someplace? (And if you actually got all the colors to line up properly, there may be something wrong with you.)
My wife recently bought a food scale (no, I don't know why) and so now I weigh all sorts of stuff. Here is a sample:
September issue of Vanity Fair magazine: 1 pound 13 ounces.
U.S. News & World Report baseball cap: 2.4 ounces.
IPod 20gb: 5.5 ounces.
Kalamata olive (with pit): .15 ounces
Can of Pepsi: 13.65 ounces.
McDonald's Quarter Pounder: No result. I ate it on the way home to weigh it.
I don't think I have ever seen a hospital room on TV or in a movie that looks like a real hospital room.
Things I learned by watching television: Hallmark adds a sweetener to the glue on the envelopes of its greeting cards so it tastes better when you lick it. It's lo-cal, though: only about a half-calorie per card.
Things I learned by watching the movies: Nicole Kidman is left-handed.
How old does a kid have to be before you can swear in front of him?
I admire the devil-may-care attitude of people who have a cell phone and no home phone.
The chief contribution that Cindy Sheehan has made by camping outside George Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas is to demonstrate there actually is an anti-war movement in this country.
If you need a reason to hate teenagers watch "My Super Sweet Sixteen" on MTV.
Mary Janes (the kind you eat) are just as good as they ever were.
It would be hard to find a better writer than Charles Baxter.
I admire anybody who can row a boat in a straight line.
Liberals are such wimps. They fell all over each other to denounce the NARAL Pro-Choice America ad attacking Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. But how many conservatives denounced those Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads attacking John Kerry?
Posted by rsimon at August 17, 2005 03:53 PM