ROGER SIMON COLUMN
SEPTEMBER 7, 2005
SIMON SAYS:
If you have to find a job for a political hack, why put him in charge of emergency management? Whatever happened to postmaster general?
Plantains are highly underrated. (Just don't forget to cook them.)
In my next life, I intend to be a flair bartender.
John Roberts could put on a ski mask and stick up a 7-Eleven and he would still get 65 votes in the U.S. Senate.
People will collect anything.
The Hurricane Katrina tragedy has coined a new word: The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers says it will "de-water" New Orleans.
Whatever happened to Pong? I coulda been a contender!
Cheap wine tastes better if you chill it.
It is amazing how many people talk to themselves while driving.
Paperback Pick of the Month: "Cataclysm: The First World War as Political Tragedy" by David Stevenson.
Pretty cool website (though I am not exactly sure what you do with it): technorati.com.
Don't say I didn't warn you: Your refrigerator magnets will not stick to that fancy new refrigerator you've been eyeing.
Response to Baffled in Buffalo: If it's outside your apartment, it's a rat and if it's inside your apartment, it's a field mouse.
I can't help it. I'm just a fool for Gore-Tex.
Two more phrases I never knew Shakespeare coined: "Foregone conclusion" from "Othello" and "Off with his head" from "Richard III." (I think he also coined, "The last one to leave Cleveland, please turn off the lights!" but that may have been Marlowe.)
If you're looking for a new car, but don't know what you want, just go to any shopping center and drive through the parking lot to see all different makes and models.
If we're not supposed to compare Iraq to Vietnam, how come President Bush gets to compare it to World War II?
If you don't know how to "muddle" a drink, you don't know anything.
I apparently am the last person on the planet to get high-speed internet service, Yes, I like it and no, it's not worth the money.
I don't understand those people who say they never read the fiction in the New Yorker. Almost without exception the fiction is excellent.
Things We Are Tired Of: The use of the word "destination" as in "Simon Says" is a destination column.
If you've shopped for a mattress lately, you know they are now divided into "stomach sleepers," "back sleepers," and "side sleepers." I guess you could just simplify your life and become a "floor sleeper."
Why didn't I buy HBO when it was a nickel a share? "Entourage," "The Comeback," and "Rome" are all well worth watching. (Although I am still wondering why everybody in Ancient Rome spoke with a British accent.)
I hate people who send e-mails with those little red exclamation points to indicate the message is urgent. It never is.
Never trust a man who owns his own pool cue or a woman who says she never wore a scrunchy.
President Bush says we should not play the "blame game" over the Hurricane Katrina response. But isn't the "blame game" just another phrase for "accountability"?
A lot of people who have tattoos today will regret them tomorrow.