Going to a Democratic cattle call is like going to a grocery store and thumping the fruit to see if it's ripe.
On Friday, the Democratic National Committee heard from six presidential candidates and four more will appear Saturday at the Washington Hilton.
The candidates have a high bar to get over. Four years ago, Howard Dean spoke at this event and electrified the crowd with his "What I Want to Know" speech that almost single-handedly pushed the party Pooh-Bahs to the left, where ordinary Democrats already were.
"What I want to know is why in the world the Democratic Party leadership is supporting the president's unilateral attack on Iraq!" Dean began.
And he ended: "I'm Howard Dean and I'm here to represent the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party!"
One word about electrifying speeches, however: Dean lost every primary until he stopped campaigning and then won only his home state of Vermont. (Which suggests that had he stopped campaigning earlier, he might have done better.)
The days on which the candidates spoke was determined by lottery, taking into consideration scheduling conflicts – Hillary couldn't speak Saturday and Tom Vilsack couldn't speak Friday.
Even so, it was absolutely astonishing that the Democratic A-list - Barack Obama, John Edwards and Hillary – got to speak on Friday. And Saturday features only B-listers. (If I could fix a lottery like that, I wouldn't mess around with speaking days, I'd fix the Mega Millions.)
Republicans hold straw polls in which the audience members vote on their favorite candidates, but the Democrats ban them as a waste of money that could better be spent on crappy TV commercials and as unfair to dark horse candidates, who can't afford to buy up the tickets like the richer candidates can.
So the Democrats hold cattle calls and since there is no voting, I'll pick the winners for you:
Best Button: Wesley Clark's: "All Patriot. No Act." Actually, few candidates give out buttons anymore. They are expensive and all the smart button makers ask for cash up-front these days. Instead, candidates give out those stick-on things that fall off quicker than some campaigns last.
Best After-Speech Crowd: I dashed out of the ballroom and into the corridor after Obama was done – apologies to the delegate from Chillicothe, Ohio; that footprint on your back
When Hillary was done, the TV crews around her created an unruly mob. One bystander got severely bopped on the head by a boom mike and Hillary made her way over to him and said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?" The guy rubbed his forehead and said he was. (And he is probably selling a picture of his bruise on eBay right now for a thousand dollars.)
Best Corridor Conversation: I chatted with Don Fowler, a former chairman of the DNC from South Carolina, and a guy who has forgotten more about southern politics than most people have ever learned. The Democratic presidential ticket did not carry a single southern state last time and I asked Fowler which candidate could carry southern states this time.
"Obama could carry Mississippi, Alabama and South Carolina," said Fowler, who has not endorsed anybody yet. "That is based solely on black voter registration. And (Joe) Biden could carry Florida and Virginia."
Best Reverse Snobbism: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is not running for president yet, told the crowd he grew up in a house made of "railroad ties" (he failed to say if he read by firelight) and went on to say his mother washed laundry for a living in their small town of Searchlight, Nev., and "prostitution was the big business in town and that is the kind of wash my mother did!"
Hard to beat a line like that.
Best Indication Bi-partisanship Is Dead: "Bi-partisanship to me does not mean getting Democrats to agree with Republican principles!" Chris Dodd said. "It means getting Republicans to agree to Democratic principles!"
Most Insincere Apology: I am sorry, but I missed Dennis Kucinich's speech.
Most Intriguing: "You know if you look at all the cameras gathered around and the clickin' of the photographers, the pundits who are collected, sometimes you feel like you are part of a reality TV show," Obama said. "I feel like this is 'American Idol' or 'Survivor' and you got to figure out if you're going to go to Hollywood or you're going to be voted off the island. But that's not why I'm here. And that's not why you're here."
Best Indication Edwards Intends To Be the Outsider: "Brothers and sisters, in times like these, we don't need to re-define the Democratic Party," Edwards said in a speech co-written with his wife Elizabeth. "We need to reclaim the Democratic Party!"
Best Indication She Is Not John Kerry: "I know a thing or two about winning campaigns," Hillary said. "When our party and our candidates are attacked we have got to stand up and fight back! I have always done that! And I always will!"
Best Reason to Come Back Saturday: Joe Biden! Bill Richardson! Tom Vilsack! Mike Gravel! Who?